Thursday, November 27, 2008
Jeebon jokhon shukaaye jaaye.. karunadharaye esho...Death is a preoccupation with me.Its probably because as a family, ours has seen many interrupted lives.we have had to let go and stand alone in the cold aftermath of death's finality. As a family we have been brave and strong, gentle in nursing each others wounds, in coming together and re-bonding the flailing spirits. As a family we have managed to move on. We have time and again embraced life.. danced and sang at weddings, laughed at shared jokes, welcomed new members with open arms.. hidden the scars from probing eyes.. but death continues to rule the roost in this family, in me.
The transience of life and the permanence of death is not something that we have read about or learnt at discourses, we have witnessed this in our midst. We have grown from tears to panic, we have researched all there is on fatal diseases, we have worried endlessly about simple fevers and aches, we have turned every headache to brain tumour and every fever to leukeamia, visit to a doctor's clinic has been panic stricken, every checkup terrorizing. Its not death that scares us... its the days before, and the days after, that stay embedded in our souls like fragments of shattered glass eager to renew the wound, eager to bleed all over again.
What have we witnessed that scars us so? Death is a part of life everywhere, all families go through this.. why is it then that death looms larger than life for us? I think it all boils down to the stripping of the spirit that we have witnessed. People we have loved and idolised from childhood have broken down and cried, faith - that no harm comes to good people has been stripped of its honour in the wake of terminal diseases, unconquerable spirits have pleaded, even begged for a few more years, to see their children through crucial phases, unanswered prayers, Gods of stone, unending pain and the shearing of dignity is what haunts the most. Death after all is not for more than a few seconds. But the defeat is timeless!
The fear lies then, not in dying, but in leaving behind untrodden paths, those numerous walks that were yet to be made, the laughter of children, the beauty of their development, the fear is of the pain and dealing with it, of losing independence and humour, of leaving behind a memory fraught in pain and disease of bearing the agony of dear ones arranging for the treatment funds, of being the reason for their despair along with our own.. of losing hope each day, of dying a thousand deaths before the actual hour strikes. What then is my prayer to the power beyond me? When I know that death is truer than life, when I know that pain is real. I ask for graciousness in acceptance, I ask for the light that will be the guiding star to show the way to a dignified end... shokol maadhuri lukaaye jaaye geetshudha roshe esho...
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
What is it that makes a blood pumping organ in our body overshadow the brain..which is supposed to be the crucible of wisdom, logical and analytical thinking? In my case this is so true..at times I wonder If I really do have a brain..or maybe there's been a major role reversal within the organs and I didn't notice..truly, maybe my brain is pumping blood.
As a student when I never got my analytical questions correct I didn't pay much attention.. but now as an adult I really wonder why is my thought process so different from the rest of the crowd? Do I oversimplify situations or do I not see the world as it is? Or are my tints too dark? This is not a self pity article.. definitely not, these are questions to myself? Over the years I have met people who like me have blood pumping brains.. and to tell you all the truth I get so attached to them.. because the world we see through our hearts eye is so much more fun. I have also been tremendously lucky to be surrounded by people who have their brains working perfectly and doing what its meant to. They have time and again warned me of looming disasters and kept their cool as they meticulously picked up pieces that I scatter in my wake.
Blame it on the genes or the planetary positions in my birth chart... I have realized time and again that the world that I see through my heart is not the world as it exists.. Here things are not simple.. here people go about their business and never spare a moment to dream of raindrops and pixies, here friendships are tainted, everything is in lieu of something else, choices are forced or should I say you are forced to make a choice about everything. Parameters are set everywhere, narrow and stringent lanes separating right from wrong, marching people... forgotten hearts.
Just around the corner is my space... where friendships are not bracketed, where being silly is permissible, Where love is not a four letter word, where there is time to play and run and where blue is the sea and not a film category.
There is never a debate within me as to whether to follow the mind or the heart..I have happily let my mind pump blood, and have followed my heart, I have tripped and hurt myself time and again but this has never overshadowed the fun that I have had, The bruises always fading in comparison to the excitement of climbing hills and crossing fields but the ride of the heart is not a steady one..its a roller coaster where you are always looking forward to the next high. I wish I could invite everybody to cross the fence, even if it is for a few moments, to experience the world as I do, to understand that life is probably a little more than a great job and a happening lifestyle.. To give the heart a chance for a change!!