Thursday, November 27, 2008
Jeebon jokhon shukaaye jaaye.. karunadharaye esho...Death is a preoccupation with me.Its probably because as a family, ours has seen many interrupted lives.we have had to let go and stand alone in the cold aftermath of death's finality. As a family we have been brave and strong, gentle in nursing each others wounds, in coming together and re-bonding the flailing spirits. As a family we have managed to move on. We have time and again embraced life.. danced and sang at weddings, laughed at shared jokes, welcomed new members with open arms.. hidden the scars from probing eyes.. but death continues to rule the roost in this family, in me.
The transience of life and the permanence of death is not something that we have read about or learnt at discourses, we have witnessed this in our midst. We have grown from tears to panic, we have researched all there is on fatal diseases, we have worried endlessly about simple fevers and aches, we have turned every headache to brain tumour and every fever to leukeamia, visit to a doctor's clinic has been panic stricken, every checkup terrorizing. Its not death that scares us... its the days before, and the days after, that stay embedded in our souls like fragments of shattered glass eager to renew the wound, eager to bleed all over again.
What have we witnessed that scars us so? Death is a part of life everywhere, all families go through this.. why is it then that death looms larger than life for us? I think it all boils down to the stripping of the spirit that we have witnessed. People we have loved and idolised from childhood have broken down and cried, faith - that no harm comes to good people has been stripped of its honour in the wake of terminal diseases, unconquerable spirits have pleaded, even begged for a few more years, to see their children through crucial phases, unanswered prayers, Gods of stone, unending pain and the shearing of dignity is what haunts the most. Death after all is not for more than a few seconds. But the defeat is timeless!
The fear lies then, not in dying, but in leaving behind untrodden paths, those numerous walks that were yet to be made, the laughter of children, the beauty of their development, the fear is of the pain and dealing with it, of losing independence and humour, of leaving behind a memory fraught in pain and disease of bearing the agony of dear ones arranging for the treatment funds, of being the reason for their despair along with our own.. of losing hope each day, of dying a thousand deaths before the actual hour strikes. What then is my prayer to the power beyond me? When I know that death is truer than life, when I know that pain is real. I ask for graciousness in acceptance, I ask for the light that will be the guiding star to show the way to a dignified end... shokol maadhuri lukaaye jaaye geetshudha roshe esho...