Tuesday, June 16, 2009

How do you express ANGER??

"Don't you get angry?" Many a times I have been asked this by many a people I have known. Of course I get angry, I mean who doesn't? I am sure even Shri Shri Ravi Shankar of AoL does get angry sometimes. In my case what confounds people is my lack of expression. I cannot for God knows what dumbfounded reason express my anger. I cannot shout or yell or scream or rant, rave, hit..nothing. All I can do is clam up!

At times I would so like to go and have a good fight. A proper battle of words where all the venom is spewed out. But nothing of that sort happens. What happens is withdrawal from the issue. If a thing or action is making me angry, I can easily withdraw from that place or situation. If the source of anger is closer home, then I just silently stand my ground. Do my daily grind and retire with a somewhat heavy and cluttered heart. But come what may I cannot express my anger in words. Neither can I fight. Hubby feels like he is fighting with a wall, my cousin feels its a 'single child syndrome'. my mom says, "shes the silent kinds", my kids just love this part of me and I just keep trying to put my anger into proper words!!

Anger is a strange emotion for me, I cannot hold on to it for more than a few hours at the most. It just melts away. At times when provoked into a fight, I cannot remember the points that would give me the upper hand, so I stall for thoughts and words and its a miserable situation. A vivid imagination makes me see myself penning my anger and handing out chits in response to a verbal duel..that makes me laugh and I forget the anger.Yes, very strange but very true.

Then again I think what if I had a similar problem expressing my joy, my love, my praise. what then? What if I was inhibited in saying I love you? What if I stalled for words when i had to cheer up my closest friend? and had to write chits to comfort my kids? what then? Its just anger..so be it!! I can deal with that.

Would like to know though what kind of anger expressions do you all have?


Priya said...

I cant believe that we r same here too and my post on feeling weird was somehow related to this syndrome...well to have a similarity i must say, if that could be the reason, then your cousin is right..."The Single Child Syndrome" may b... but i wish i can vent out all of it...

Gymnast said...

When i get angry , i dont curse or yell , but i do make me feeling vocal. I tell the reason for my anger in very clear words , without a hue and cry.
And if the anger is directed at someone with whom i cannot talk back , i get really frustrated and burst into tears.

PURN!MA said...

Not many things anger me. But when anything does it bursts. i'd very much love to keep my anger within barriers... but that doesn't happen. When angry, everyone can see it, sense it. I too clam up when most angry, but my demeanour gives away my feeling. And when anger reaches its peak, my hot tears start flowing.

ZiLliOnBiG said...

You know, in a way its good. Most of the time, the vent for anger leads to nasty destruction. if two people are fighting, if one calms down and keeps quite the fight is cut short and further damages are controlled.

The anger would subsequently calm itsself down and one would stop regretting over the things one dos in anger.
My wife is very similar and it avoids fights between us, I immediately feel guilty and apologizes to her. :))

Aparna said...

If anyone knows any anger management class please let me know.I can not be silently angry.I scream, shout, yell. Then I calm down and say sorry. Ufff, such a draining experience.

Amal Bose said...

i think its good..
when ever im angry, i just speak out..
well when its with my frnz cursing or a small quarrel will set the matter straight.. ;)
n after that we ll just forget it n move on..
but in life outside college this one doesnt work.. so i think being like u in this matter is better

Aw.S.M said...

Though i might not seem like it, i m infact one of the most short tempered persons u r ever likely to meet. I get reallllly angry for the smallest of reasons eg : waking me up from sleep, switching channels while i m watching it etc etc. :P. And the way i react depends on the person at hand.

I shout when i m extremely angry and then i totally avoid that person for a no of days and if that person is a friend.i avoid em for months sometimes. :P...wierd na :)
And i never say sorry even if its my mistake :(.

Not very Aw.S.M eh :(


Aw.S.M said...

Oh and i feel u not being able to express anger is really good in a way coz then people ll think u r really kool :) even though u might be sizzling inside.

And yeah..its only anger rite...so doesnt really matter :)

Balachandran V said...

wow! should consider yourselves damn lucky! Anger is such a waste of energy - unproductive, exhausting. Later, you wonder why the hell I did that!This is from a man with hell of a temper! :)
It is something I am ashamed of, this inability to control my temper... And the problems it has created in my life... wounds that will never heal...

btw, Sujata, help me. I created a playlist of my own, but can't get it into my blog. I checked out the instructions, but am helpless. Could you tell me how you did it? I love your collection, btw.

Anonymous said...

If you ever take classes on this...kindly enrol me.

I don't get angry that fast. I clam up too. I listen to music. it soothes the nerves.But too much of clamming up finally ends up erupting like a volcano. God help the victim then!!!!!

Nikki said...

I agree with you here. I used to have this problem too. In fact to most of my immediate family, I am a cow. But tempers do flare but I resign myself to my room quickly. And its gone soon too!


R. Ramesh said...

i am with jyothi: If you ever take classes on this...kindly enrol me, too.

Kishore Choudhary said...

Anger is a natural emotion. There is a head lock in all of us and we need to have courage to get rid of our piled up anger.

Rush said...

i can totally resonate here..i curl up and isolate myself, i cut myself from everyone around me and dont let anyone reach out to me.

but i take it a lil forward here..
Can i just rebound? yeah in a fraction , but i wait to be pampered eventhou i dont let anyone come close.

Psycho i am, thats what i feel.

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SGD said...

I wish I so wish I could be angry silently!
My anger is noisy...I rave and rant and yell and scream. I become sarcastic too...But the stormy spell is for a short duration....it passes soon enough...

JD said...

u r super cool.. that's it :-)

it's just anger, so y cry over it..

but u contradict urself here. u said u withdraw from the topic when it makes u angry.....so, the emotion is there, it's just the responsible child within u that stops u from venting it out..

आकांक्षा~Akanksha said...

Nice blog...nice post.

अनिल कान्त : said...

पहले जब मुझे गुस्सा आता था तब में चिल्लाता था, झल्ला जाता था....पर अब वैसा नहीं है...हाँ लेकिन जब पहले वो काम करता था तब शायद जल्दी शांति मिल जाती थी...अब जब कभी गुस्सा आता भी है तो चिल्लाता नहीं....बस चुप रहता हूँ....थोडी देर कुछ दर्द महसूस करता हूँ...फिर कुछ समय बाद शांत हो जाता हूँ....पर इस सब में दिमाग पर बहुत फर्क पड़ता है....

Sucharita Sarkar said...

I am not a angry-type of person myself, but if I get angry with family members, then I shout/fight/hit out. If it is with outsiders, I cry!

KParthasarathi said...

I get angry when I see injustice or hear unjust comments and lose my cool shouting.In a few minutes,it goes away and I rue why I gave expression to my anger.I apologise profusely when I feel I am wrong.
I think your strategy is best though clamming up when the anger is seething inside is not good.I liked the racy style of writing

extremity said...

let me let me first swallow the fact, YOU exist !
li'l dramatic ha? :) but its incredible,how on earth you manage to b so? any mantra that poor ppl like us cud practice and save the neighbour hoo..:D
im not responding to the last part of the post,anyway :P

sujata said...

@Priya we do have a lot of similarities starting from being bangalis..thats really good. Next time I am in Cal would def want to call you up.

@Gymnast thats such a mature and wise thing to do. I really wish I could be vocal about my anger.

@Purnima I cannot cry for the life of me when angry thats such a defeat, I'de rather ignore maro the person for the rest of my life.

@ZillionBig good for you that you apologise. I don't express anger in words but people close definitely get the hint as my spontaneous warmth is missing and so is my smile, but even though wrong its very hard to say the word sorry unless to my children, with them I guess I am the most inhibited even in my anger and even in begging for forgiveness.

@Aparna You take that class from Debabratada. start right now.

sujata said...

@Amal Bose there is no right or wrong, its just how we are. But being vocal is good for the person who is venting it out definitely, he can sleep better, the ones like us who clam up carry a lot of baggage.

@Aw.S.M. being able to express anger is a good thing, but being too short tempered may not be. Better to be able to get angry with the teller in a bank for taking ages when you are at the end of the queue rather than sizzling inside silently and shooting the guy when your turn comes right??

@Balachandran V this is a trait I have, cannot be proud or ashamed of it. But yes I can say with conviction that never have I cursed or used words that have broken any relationship however insignificant, for that I am grateful to this trait.

@Jyothi cannot teach because I do not know how to, have not been able to calm the hubby down even after so many years of marriage. His anger just shoots at the drop of a hat and falls down at the same speed. If I held on to anger maybe the clamming up would erupt in my case too, but the best part is I forget the root cause of the anger and become normal.

@Nikki yah I know what you mean..a book some music and I am fine in a an hour or so.

sujata said...

@Ramesh no classes as of now..but if I do in the future will surely enroll all of you.

@Kishore I completely agree with you, I know its a head lock for me.

@Rush I isolate myself too but dont take kindly to pampering. I just want to be left alone to rebound, after the rebound I definitely enjoy the pampering.

@Dr Sanjay Parva thanks for appreciating the blog, will definitely visit yours soon.

@SGD the grass always seems greener on the other side, I wish at times I could build up a storm by being vocally angry...but the max is a seething look and then complete ignore as if the person was invisible to me. I have been told this hurts more than words..hahahha I like that.

@JD I am not at all super cool, I cannot express my anger in words thats not being cool. What you said is right though, its part of the upbringing and the environment that has not made me comfortable with an angry fight. Its an escapist attitude maybe. You are here for the first time, I welcome you to my space.

Thanks @Akansha you are welcome here.

@Anil Kant, yes if I clammed up and yet kept the rage in me, i would have either erupted badly on a later date or would have gone mad by now, but the saviour in my case is my memory which does not retain the anger.

@Sucharita I am the same everywhere family or outsiders, but professionally I can deal with my fights better as there are no emotions involved, so the words if required come easy and to the point.

@K Parthasarathi, yes I agree seething inside without an outlet is not all good. Thankyou for liking the style of the post.

Zeba Talkhani said...

I do the same. But sometimes I wish I too could just shout it out of my system!

sujata said...

@Extremity sorry I missed you out while thanking the readers. No mantra, just being a crab helps!!

Aw.S.M said...

now thats a bit extreme aint it :P....i usually limit it to shouting !! :P

Vamshi Krishna A said...

This is the second post I read and am lured to follow you. I do something similar to your idea. I used to crack up and give it back and like you said in your other post on Calcutta i understand as an adult and calm up. The power is not in doing but in controlling. Good observation. The worst I do is go on a long walk without the ipod.

Pesto Sauce said...

The one who angers you conquers you

Nona said...

I scream and then I'm back to normal. Nowadays, blogging is helping in this. :)

Babli said...

Good post. Usually I do not get angry but if at all it happens then I keep calm and quiet or fight with a person.

Sumandebray said...

It sometimes good for health to vent it out rather than keeping it within..(probably it is not so kool to stay kool)
..when extremely angry could try throwing a few punches to the wall or kick some wall around though it hurts in the aftermath)But you must be a precious gift to all around you.. i wonder how frustrated your friends got not getting any angry reactions to their pranks!!!

Arun Meethale Chirakkal said...

Once again, quite characteristic of you, a beautifully written post. I’m a fan and I hope I can blogroll you.

“If a thing or action is making me angry, I can easily withdraw from that place or situation. If the source of anger is closer home, then I just silently stand my ground. Do my daily grind and retire with a somewhat heavy and cluttered heart.”

That ‘somewhat heavy and cluttered heart’ says a lot about the danger of suppressing anger. I know it because it’s almost the same here as well.

“At times when provoked into a fight, I cannot remember the points that would give me the upper hand, so I stall for thoughts and words and it’s a miserable situation.”

Exactly. Can’t agree more. When I get terribly angry what happens is that my vision gets blurred, I frantically search for words, my heart beat gets louder and I get weak all over…In short I make a fool of myself and the aftereffects lasts for a long time. Nowadays I’m even afraid to get angry.

“A vivid imagination makes me see myself penning my anger and handing out chits in response to a verbal duel that makes me laugh and I forget the anger”

You seem to have perfected the art of de-stressing. That’s great.

Bhavya.B said...

I always find it difficult to express my anger unless it is to my parents.I'm afraid of the frustration thats caused by the supressed anger but some times it is good that we can stay calm.

I'm a new one to your blog and i read all the posts in one strech .Your style of narration is incredible

SJ said...

Ooo..I hate your kind of people, no really my husband is just like you -he won't open his mouth. And that drives me even madder!!! I throw things and stomp around the house yelling then I have a break down and start to cry like Meena Kumari. I think I need help no? :P

sujata said...

Thank you @Vamshi Krishna A for joining my blog and sharing your views.

@pesto sauce is it good to be conquered?

@Nona a lot of people I know do the same.

@Babli thanks for sharing your views.

@ SumanDeb Ray at times i feel if only I could blow the lid and let it all out..but doesnt happen. Dont know about being a gift, but friends and hubby included rarely get the satisfaction of enraging me, and as per the hubby,"Its so darn frustrating when you just go quiet!!"

sujata said...

Thanks @Arun you are most welcome to blogroll me, I would be so glad. Its good to know there are more like me.

@Bhavya B welcome to my blog and thank you so much for your appreciation. I dont get frustrated as I cannot hold on to the anger for long. And I cant even express my anger to my mom..only to my kids I can do that, that too I usually end up smiling and laughing with them..

@SJ what to do..I can empathise with your situation, my husband feels exactly the same way, he feels i do all this deliberately to anger him more..hahhaah, but I would so love to see him break down and cry like meena kumari..hmm that would make my day!!

Momma Miller said...

Thank you for being so raw and honest. This is good stuff, here. We cannot control how we FEEL—it’s a normal emotional response based on our life experiences. Maybe we feel threatened or belittled and those feelings naturally manifest themselves in anger.

Yes, we need a healthy way to express our anger. I grew up in a family where expressing your anger, as a female, was frowned upon. I learned to suppress and became exceptionally skilled at hiding my true feelings. How fake--no one knew who I was! And like you, once I decided it was “okay” to express anger, if I tried to have an intelligent discussion with the person with whom I was angry, the words just wouldn’t come out right when on-the-spot (in the heat of the moment). I sound much better in writing, so I took time to cool down and then wrote letters. I wrote lots of letters and emails to vent those feelings and find my deepest thoughts. Many didn’t get sent, but some did.

In my opinion, we are far too concerned with how others perceive us to be. We have this vision of the “kind” person as never being angry or hurt or defensive or confrontational. They simply roll with the punches and never get in the way. I imagine that if we all felt free to openly express a wide range of feelings (both extremes from love to controlled anger) that overall we’d have less oppression, less violence, less hatred, and less emotional disorders in this world.

Great post! Thanks again, I’ll be back!

Indrani said...

That is a great quality, not being able to express anger. I wish everybody in this world had it. :)

Imagination said...

Even I often feel that i am unable to express my anger atleast not verablly..... can't say if its good or bad.. but seldom have i been able to tell the other person what's going on in my mind when i get angry...

Nice one I liked the post!

Pradip Biswas said...

You are blessed by God. But if anger persists inside the heart and does not come out it is bad. But for the blessed people it dies down itself after some time. I am once again saying from the sayings of many religious persons "You are Blessed by God"
Thank you for visiting my blog.

sujata said...

Thank you @Momma Miller, I think you have assessed me very well. Anger is a definite head lock for me. Loved your detailed comment. Do come again.

@Indrani thank you.

Thank you @Imagination. Do come again

Thank you @Pradip Biswas. Do come again

Warren Baldwin said...

Hi, I linked here from "The Things we Carried." Good post about anger. I've tried to write about that some, too, b/c it is such a problem. It is good for you that it can melt away after a short time! Good post.

bluebird said...

Anybody can get angry. That is easy. But what we should try for is to get angry for the right reason, at the right time, with the right person, at the right occassion, to the right degree. Getting angry the right way. This is difficult. Anger is explosive energy. If harnessed and properly channelised, then it can be a source of great goodness too. MK Gandhi was once thrown out of a first class carriage in Durban, and had to spend a night cold and alone, an anecdote we all know. But what we need to learn about this is how he internalised his obvious anger: he didn't give in to despair and return home, defeated in spirit; he didn't shout or vent his anger at the policeman that threw him out. Instead, he made the sun set on the British empire, and set off a chain of movements that brought freedom to much of the world.

That's what anger can do for you.

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