Thursday, July 1, 2010

Guilty feelings got no rhythm..

I have been dreading this... I have been dreading to come to my page. In fact a few hours back, I was chatting with my niece and told her the same thing. We quickly resolved it and blamed the family genes, our stupidity, and our lack of persistence in anything that has any merit attached to it. So did I give up blogging? Not exactly..but I don't know what to write about anymore, my life lacks inspiration and also as I was telling her, "When the novelty of adulation ends it becomes just another chore!"

I am sure some of you wondered and the rest gave up. Absence without any cause or notice or justification is in a way very liberating. Perhaps you can't get away with this kind of behaviour anywhere else. There is always the risk of losing out on your follower base and readership.. but at times its ok not to give a damn!

And today when I write, I do it because I want to and not because I have not written for a week, and the pressure is building up. That in itself is such a pleasant feeling. So lets start this one here..

Talking about pressures, there is another feeling that almost always surrounding us, and thats 'guilt'. Especially 'mommy guilt'. Each morning at 5:00 am when its time to wake the kids up, the race begins.."UGH!! I shouldnt have stayed up reading so late!" Bond starts to skate around the hall, toshali can't find her brush, and there is always a fight that nips at my arms, shoulders and brain, till I want to flick the kids off! I want five minutes - just five freaking minutes - for my coffee before my brain starts functioning and I get you ready for school. "Flick them off!! God did I say that...?"

Suddenly there is a tooth brush closer than an inch from my eye ball, followed by a shriek" Eeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww!!!"

My fuzzy brain jump starts and the milk spills on the floor. "Toshali, what's the matter, cant you keep it down?"

"Mamma, Bond just dropped my tooth brush in the toilet!"

"Fine, great, well worse things have happened!!" I manage to say, as I mop the floor. The coffee seems to be working its magic on me at last. My dehydrated hands move from one lunch box to another as I remember the preferences, one dianosaur pack, one high school musical. And just as I zip up, Bond screams like a banshee and runs wild at me... the reason...nothing..its what he felt like doing! Running and screaming towards me like the sky had fallen down on him. As I turn around with a hand to my thumping chest, I see Toshali brooding over the turkey sandwich in her high school musical box. "You promised me some sweets this time!" Well I have a list of reasons that I can churn out to her against sweets in the tiffin.. but please dear God not this hour of the day! Why cant they remember that I was an actual person before I became a momma to them!

Then of course they hear my husband's footsteps. Like two soldiers they queue up. Bond even straigtens his hair and smiles at me. They don't suck the enegy out of him, because he doesnt feel the guilt over his behaviour with them. That's quite a thought early in the day. Yeah, I think I know what drains me most. Its not the kids running and screaming, Its my reactions to that, and the guilt I have over those reactions.. Hmmm!! The coffee is an exemplary invention!

So what is the point of this 'mommy guilt'? Why dont I accept that I am human and a single entity with one brain and just a pair of hands. Why cant I accept that I cannot do more than maybe three things at a time? I take a breath and run through the daily mental check list. Homework, folders, library books, field trip permission slip, water bottle, tiffin boxes, napkins. ALL THERE!!

Thats another day just beginning... I smile at the new found philosophy.. I dont need to be guilty for being the way I am. I am going to ponder over it some more and enjoy my coffee.


Destiny's child... said...

Welcome back:) How can you say that you lack inspiration to write these days? What with so much happening in a day! Your parenting posts make for a pretty interesting read, just like this one. Bring them on, I am all eyes and ears :)

Aparna said...

Welcome back!
How can you ever feel guilty about your kids? They should feel guilty for making us go through the trauma of motherhood. What did we ever do to deserve so much chaos in our lives?
And how did the mothers survive before tea or coffee?

PURN!MA said...

Welcome back! I missed you! Mothers are superhumans I thought. From the pt of view of a child; one never thinks what it is to be a mom. I feel guilty for making my mom face the predicament you have here, when I was a kid. :'(

Nona said...

Welcome back! It has been a while since you have written. Good to see you write again. :)

Nikita Banerjee said...

Woah...5:00 am? Too much! And yeah, making mom feel guilty is the easiest thing ever. My sis is a champion in this game.

And yes, coffee is an exemplary invention indeed!

Sucharita Sarkar said...

I have been doing the same thing for quite some time, too, writing infrequently as a pleasure rather than weekly as a pressure. It's OK really,but I do like reading whenever you write.
As for mommmy guilt, it's also the same for me...

KParthasarathi said...

Hearty welcome.
I liked the words "When the novelty of adulation ends it becomes just another chore!"
But then no chore gets stopped and so too blogging.
Nice post deataling the morning hours that most young moms pass through.After the hectic two hours in the morning,it is all tranquil.This is the time to express yourself as you have done so admirably.

RGB said...

I login this morning to finish some pending work at office, before my baby gets out of bed. I check my dashboard casually and I chance upon your post...and I'm like "one from to read it". Enjoyed reading your post as always.

The infinite tasks that come with Motherhood are understood and appreciated only by those who seem to have gone through the same experience. And you certainly seem to be doing a good job.

Dr.Banashri Bhuyan said...

A very well written post directly from the heart of a mom !The feeling is mutual and therefore loved reading it. Would eagerly wait for more !!

sujata said...

@Destiny's child Thanks! Parenting makes you funny and bitter both at the same time. You go fuzzy in the head too.

@Aparna I really didnt do anything to deserve this chaos. You know what a decent kid I was, I just sat at one place till i was forcibly moved to another.

@Purnima..its like you did it now you get it back with double triple the force!! No wonder life is called a cycle..

@Nona thanks. Its good to be back.

@Nikita hahha yeah they suck you up like a tornado, they make you do their work and then they leave you feeling guilty..what the F?

@Sucharita all mothers unite!!

@Partha thanks.

@RGB Thanks dear, really made my day..this comment from you.

@Dr Banashri welcome to my page and do visit again. Promise wont keep you waiting for so long this time.

R. Ramesh said... last u r world did miss u though u opted not to miss all of us as u have mentioned does consume huge time..better leave some time gap and choose yr pace..that way it wil be easy and u wont get angry with us..:) hey yr blog is gr8 ya...just keep up the cheers that u r blessed with..

Anonymous said...

Oh ji! Welcome back. Me too blogging only as and when I want to now. The mommy guilt is the same everywhere dear. And the mornings are pretty similar too. I have been thinking about this for a while too. What exactly am I teaching my kids?Read about it,its my latest post.... :)

deeps said...

:-) great to have you back and read the giggles...
look at their expressions haha... and what you feel? :-P

The Holy Lama said...

You're back! Good. And mommy guilt is nonsense and coffee is great. Take life as it comes, can't really more than that.

Balachandran V said...

Missed you!

kavita said...

I understand you completely....i am in the same situation.

radha said...

Welcome back. There are times one has nothing to write about. I admire those who write practically every day! But then all cannot be the same. And motherhood trauma continues even after they have grown up, married or moved out of home. Not to worry about that either!

sujata said...

Hi Ramesh! I am back and enjoying it. Hope you have stayed away from lifts and lipsticks!

@Jyothi am going to your page right now.

@deeps thanks, its good to be back.

@The Holy Lama I know what you mean..bite onto that toblerone and munch free of guilt!

@Bala thanks

@Kavita hmm I think its our generation thing plus the two kids are a common factor too! But you keep pace admirably well!

@Radha Thanks. I am glad to see quite a few new names on my page. ou are welcome here and I really hope you enjoyed the blog posts.

sujata said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

areeeeee.. how did u say that?? U knw I commented thrice on ur post but everytime it errored out :( but finally I am able to comment nw and will scold u if u still feel guilty..

Aree we girls r sooo bad.. we do everything, take the best care possible, think of other first and then ours and still keep feeling guilty... thats not done! Come out and smile :)

Wish to see more and more posts from u :) Welcome back.. btw.. u were not away :)

indranil said...

when the kids grow up and venture out to make a world of their own, you shall miss the this morning adrenalin rush... and possibly you shall then regret that the mornings are so docile and placid. so enjoy the music while the song lasts....

Gayathri said...

Lol.. same story with every mom eh?? The mommy guilt?? My mom says the same things.. and the same rush hour in the morning.. especially when i was also going to school,and when my school used to start at as early as 7.30..

Indrani said...

Great to see you back. :)

Sumandebray said...

Good to see you back .....
Feeling of guilt is a matter of how you justify your act..... isn't it!
I feel guilt for not being able to do what I would like to do .. but then there is always a justification and at times a honest justification!

R. Ramesh said...

sujata ji
Your words of consolation on loss of my brother helped me strengthen myself. I really appreciate it and pray for peace and good health to you and yr near ones. Really lucky to have come across you.

bluebird said...

From a Marxist perspective, one could say that the 'mother-housewife role', along with 'chastity' complete with the set of guilt complexes both inspires, is the best invention of patriarchy.

Your support base looks healthier than ever to me. It is drab people who colorlessly write regularly on drab subjects that got to worry about losing yours truly!

sujata said...

@Vineetasdiary, I think its nature's law!

@Indranil I amsure I will suffer from the empty nest syndrome as well, and then later perhaps be the most interfering mom in law..thats the entire gamut of motherhood, and each phase has its joy and suffering..plan to do it all

@Gayathri I agree with your mom..the morning rush is killing!

@Indrani thanks

@SDR I agree with you.

@Ramesh we are lucky to be friends, I hope to see your humour back

@Bluebird thanks