Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Love - a high or a sigh?


Yesterday morning when I woke up I was still pissed off. So I decided do stop by his house and give him a piece of my mind. I was going to yell, scream, hit him, make him feel like shit. I had it all planned out. I drove to his house and rang the doorbell. He opened the door with a surprised look on his face. "Hey...?" he said, and gave me a hug. Damn, I thought. Why'd he have to hug me? I couldn't hit him then. I couldn't yell or cry or be angry with him at all. He has such influence over me it's disturbing.

We stood on his porch and had a big talk. I can't remember everything exactly but I told him how horrible he made me feel sometimes. How I felt like he was trying to replace me and memories of me with his girlfriend. I want him to have new memories, but I want him to remember old ones, too. I know at one point I started crying and he hugged me close to him. Then he told me that I made him feel like shit, too. A while ago. I told him to tell me everything that I had done wrong and everything that he was mad at me for... So he got it all off his chest. Everything came out. He was on the verge of tears, too. After we got all our anger out, things got softer. We talked about how we liked each other, how he's scared to be with me because he doesn't want to get hurt again.

As we talked, I was kind of flirting with him on purpose, like playing with his jacket strings and zipper and tickling his neck. At one point I put my hand on his chest, right over his heart. It was pounding. I let out a small laugh.
"What?" He asked.
"Remember when I used to rest my head on your chest and listen to your heart?"
He smiled.
"Yeah, I remember. It was your favorite thing to do."
And so I did again. He moved his jacket and pulled my head to his chest. His heart beat even faster. I smiled into his shirt and turned my head so that I was breathing him in.
"Are you smelling me..?"
I smiled again. "Yes. You smell good."
He laughed and asked what he smells like.
"Magic," I said.
I stepped away from him so that I could see his face.
"Do I have a smell?" I asked.
"Yes."
"What do I smell like?" "Good. Really good."
I sniffed my hair, and he chuckled and said, grinning,
"No, not your hair..."
He pulled my hair all to one side so that the left side of my neck was bare.
"Right there.."
He leaned down and smelled my neck, then began kissing it. He kissed my neck, each kiss getting closer and closer to my face. He was about to reach my lips when I turned away,
"No. I'm not going to be that girl again. The girl that makes the guy cheat on his girlfriend. I hate that feeling."
He looked down and nodded. We continued talking about each other. How much we loved each other's eyes, stuff like that. We reminisced on the night of our first kiss. He remembered what I was wearing, what the date was, everything. I started playing with his ear, something I do that began that night and which I have done ever since. Eventually both my hands were worked up in his hair and his were pulling me closer to him. Our lips were an inch apart. He leaned in closer and I put two fingers on his mouth to stop him. He groaned.
In a whisper,
"Come on..."
We gazed into the eyes of the other and it overtook me. In that moment I no longer cared that He had a girlfriend; it wasn't real, their love. But our moment was. I let him lean in once more and his lips brushed mine gently.

But that was yesterday. Now I'm just confused. He's with his girlfriend right now. Their families got together for dinner. He hasn't talked to me all day... I don't think he's going to tell his girlfriend about what happened... and I don't think he's going to break up with her.

His girlfriend: has been cheated on and doesn't know it. Her boyfriend likes and wants to be with me, his best friend. She doesn't know this either.
Him: likes and wants to be with two girls. Wants to be with me more than his girlfriend, but is scared to because I hurt him in the past.
Me: I'm in love with my best friend, but he has a girlfriend and even though he cheated on her with me he's not going to tell her because he doesn't want to break up with her.

I don't know what's going to happen. I asked him if he was going to take a chance and be with me, and he said, "Baby steps. I'll get there. Slowly. It might take a year; or more, or less.

Sigh.

This is not judgemental, this is just the way it is at times. Another attempt to understand the human mind.

31 comments:

anilkurup said...

Keep sighing.
Good attempt at knowing the minds.

Reminds me of this French girl ( woman) I know. She got married to one of her boy friends the day she knew she was pregnant. She presumed the child was his.And subsequent paternity test proved otherwise. Poor girl she is now single mother and lost both her boy friends ( one boy friend and a husband). Dont know of her latest liaison.

R. Ramesh said...

Baaapree..RR flabbergasted...:)

Sumandebray said...

Now ... What was that!
Me... Totally lost about this study

PURN!MA said...

Woohoo! It sounded to me like a Jerry Springer show (just a much more decent version)... :) loved it, all the same. Love isn't always so immature, is it?

wise donkey said...

just feeling good is not love
though love feels good.

in a way i can understand the need to feel good, but i can't say its love.

indranil said...

WOW! Right out of the pages of my life. Wow !! just loved it... the desire to be loved or just the feeling of being perpetually in love reigns supreme though in various degrees of imprint. a perfect set-up you scripted except that the cheating factor made it surreptitious. it would have been far more sublime if the protagonist came up-front and carried off both his present and ex with equal panache without making it isolated units. that de-based it.... on a lighter note should have turned to me for inspiration.. he he

great blog... not for the faint-hearted though. enjoyed it, specially the subtle Freudian shadows.

A said...

I am not going to say it is from my life pages :)

Well written and it made me read to the end....that is the most important thing in short stories.

My wife has been yelling but I could not leave the story....

Just a request, for stories like these, please say on top "for mature readers...". A lot of time, my daughter and I read blogs together and I would not like to read this with her.

KParthasarathi said...

Wow!!How nicely you have written a story of this genre.Truly you are a remarkable writer and I envy the ease and fluency with which you carried the story.Keep writing more of such.They add variety to the blog

arvind said...

ho.. how romantic..

but why we always want a start and end.. why we should not treasure that middle of the story..

as me idiotically doing in all my life..

its a heart blowing narration..

Gayathri said...

Hmm.. We cannot write a script in life and play accordingly.. Especially the emotional part..love loses its charm once we start reasoning it..and without reasoning,we might end up in the socially unacceptable dilemma..

I'm too inexperienced to give an anecdote.. Nice one :)

Nikita Banerjee said...

O_o OH!I read this one non-stop...loved it.

Sumandebray said...

... to top up my earlier comment...
I missed to mention that you might see the Mills and Boom Agents queueing up outside your door pretty soon .. should you continue this way!

BK Chowla, said...

There is no one who will not relate it it ones own life.Those who deny this, are hiding some thing.
Very nice post

RGB said...

Love or Lie, I think would be more appropriate for this story. Wonder what he's confused about. I guess you must learn to listen to your heart when it comes to love. Why was the girl flirting? And such other questions...Makes a good read though!

The Holy Lama said...

my sympathies to all concerned

Aparna said...

What brought this on? I am clueless...I am still trying to figure this one out.

wise donkey said...

i assumed it was fiction..

Bhavya.B said...

that was a great style of writing ...... And I feel .."Love...Its complicated"

Sonu said...

Er...am i confused??!!!or i just feel like i am confused by reading this!!!??? Dnt Kno..
But Sometimes in life relationships are complicated than we think i guess...especially when its a "Best Friend Love"...
:)

sujata said...

Hi All,

Its always fun to try out new things, and this was such an attempt. To go beyond what is expected of you and thereby of your blog was the reason for this post.

I am enjoying all your views though.

@A I really appreciate your point of making a note at the top for such posts. Will keep it in mind from now on.

R. Ramesh said...

hi sujata..me too taking comfort in fact that daughter was not harmed..life indeed is a bundle of experiences..thanks 4 yr kind words buddy

Nona said...

What prompted this! I'm clueless.

deeps said...

this one reminded me of munna bhai movies... looks like munna effect!!

i guess, at times it s better to be lost than being studious…

Jyothi said...

Fact or Fiction? I agree with BKChowla though. We all have had to make choices in life and live with it. Maybe not exactly as you have put it, since we belong to a generation that didn't quite allow things like that so openly!

I too had to shoo away my daughter midst reading this post!

Whatever it was that inspired this post, you are one hell of a story teller!

Destiny's child... said...

Infidelity is something I would never understand. Both the guy and girl seem selfish. I don't think they are in love. Living a lie, all involved!

R. Ramesh said...

shukran again S:)

Arun Meethale Chirakkal said...

These thoughts erupted in my mind for the last few days have been intensified reading your post.

Where life lies? Is it in stark realities, in our vision to see things as they are, shorn of all embellishments? Or is it in illusions? We know that it’s unreal, it’s illusory, but still, we feel like clinging on to them sometimes. Reality is boring sometimes. Ain’t it?

As usual beautifully written.

rama said...

A great short story, you are such a good writer.

kochuthresiamma p .j said...

a hep version of sindhu bhairavi?

Bikramjit said...

Well well I guess this is Life.. sometimes we cant see the obvious..

BUT since i am old school its not the Guy only who is cheating, the girl herself is doing wrong, she knows the guy is with another girl and yes she is flirting and giving him ideas.. So BOTH are equally responsible...

Thats my take but if they really really are so much into each other then One shud have the GUTS to come out with truth.. why drag along another girl for a year only to tell her its off and be with someone else ...

Moreover Best friends dont do such things :)

Rohini said...

Whoa!Love the title, love the writing...